A Way Out (a creative retelling of repentance)

The liquor store clerks couldn’t tell I had the Light of the World in me, I didn’t take a day off from drinking after my day of salvation. All they could see is me in that ratty old hat, doing same old- same old in front of their Carlo Rossi selection of jug wines. It came as a shock that a clear but gentle voice up from within me said, “That’s old Nic you don’t need that anymore.” I snapped to attention making sure nobody else heard, paused, took a long stare at the wine grabbed it and headed for the clerk. The next day I heard a similar prompt, “you are a new creation the old is gone, that includes drinking.” Every time after that, I had this wise gentleman with me when I entered the liquor store, kindly reminding me that Jesus asked me to give up the bottle the day I believed. Sometimes as I walked up to the door of the store I would tell God, “I know what you are going to tell me once I enter.” Inwardly reborn, outwardly stubborn.                  I installed a teetertotter in my apartment to play old self/new self drinking games. Every night I’d bounce up on a liquor high dropping my new self to the ground while taking in some flick that i never remembered in the morning. The next morning the teetertotter new self went up high and would drop the old self to my knees, because I knew my Savior lives and I was still held by sin, weeping at the inescapability of my drunkenness, looking to Jesus at the cross praying for more blood, more mercy. Day after day for more than a year. This was a dangerous and difficult reality, but God graciously reminded me that I can’t stay where I was when He found me.                    Soon after placing my faith in Jesus, the Yellow Pages gave me my first church, pastor gave me my first memory verse. I started talking to him about my drinking. It was a verse that was a dagger to the Lone Ranger drinker that I was. “No temptation has seized you except that which is common to man, and God is faithful He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but when you are tempted He will offer a way out so you can stand up under it.” So now in those mornings when my warring old self dropped off the teetertotter and I was weeping for mercy -certain of forgiveness. I added a prayer of God actuating this promised jailbreak.                   The first “way out” God gave me was a week-long mission trip, no booze, not alone, new place, it was God’s grace. I prayed and praised with confidence that drinking was over, only to find my mind felt differently once I was back in town. What a clown, down on my knees again, pretty sure that God gave me a way out and I messed it up. Did I ruin my chance that God gave? Yes. But I still had that kind gentleman whispering at me from within, when I was at the liquor store. I still remember the certainty of forgiveness the Bible promises. So, I still pleaded the blood of Jesus every morning amid my hungover state. This is a dangerous spot be in, I knew it needed to go.                   “Way out” #2 was God leading me to Moody Bible Institute. I signed a contract saying I could not drink. After much prayer about what that contract meant for this despairing sin and addiction, I said “well where God guides, He provides.” The Holy Spirit, my pastor, and my brother helped me know that God has to be the one to do the work. “Depend on Christ in me to not drink.” Christ in me is the hope of glory over all my sins. As I stepped out in faith, power was given, and lies were exposed about my “need” to drink.  Everything was new as I moved to Chicago and started a long-distance engagement to Lindsey whom I met at Bible study. I didn’t drink the entire fall semester, excitement grew as the wedding date was set for the summer.  I fell into drinking around spring break. The darkness of returning tempted me to keep all this to myself and carry on at school like a two-faced man.  The comfort of drinking again was so flimsy, phony. But breaking a promise, tearing down of my word, and wanting to hide it all loomed large. Like The thief/killer/destroyer knocking at my door saying “let’s ride again.”                     God’s grace to me was in the form of a Washington Apple, my honest, virtuous and Christ loving fiancée. This bride-to-be, was so tender over the phone faithful day after day. How could I keep anything away from her? So, I didn’t. We were committed to living truthfully before the Lord. A forged Christlikeness in me brought my confession of relapse to her over the phone in tears. Lindsey was very informed of my past problem with it. Her response was absent of that wooing tenderness, more like that of a judge and jury. There was no consolation, or watering down of our trust. Lindsey replied, “I love you Nic, and I want to marry you in the coming months. But my childhood was compromised because of alcohol and I want to make sure my adulthood isn’t. So, if you want to marry me, or can’t drink.” I was so put off in the moment, like she had no empathy for the monumental hardship I was dealing with.                   I remember long talks with God, having a drink here and there leading up the end of my first year at Moody. I prayed, laying the anguish of my heart before the Lord. Certain that He doesn’t call me to a life of drunkenness, also certain that He brought Lindsey to me for marriage, but this poison remained, its desire more and more muted to my will power. Its temptation over me looking like a cheap thrill rather than the golden calf of comfort and consolation it once was. Returning home for the wedding allowed me to just drop the issue and it’s was a grace that alcohol wasn’t around that week before my new vows.                   It is to the glory of God, through the wise love of my wife, and the freedom only found in Jesus, that I can say: Jesus gave me a third “way out”. I call it my wedding gift from God. We will celebrate ten years of marriage this July. And ten years away from alcohol. Let it be known that this was a two-year repentance project from the day of my salvation. God doesn’t give up.                  God cares for the broken-hearted and those crushed in spirit. Addiction is all those things. No matter what it is that you can’t leave behind, God can do the same for you. God in Christ offers the certainty of forgiveness through faith. Ephesians 2 is a great place to learn more about this. I’m not special, it is Jesus Christ, and His power through the Holy Spirit that is supremely victorious.

Sweater on Fire (a creative retelling of salvation)

             Once the goals I chased and the confidence I had to do things my way disappeared, I invested in depression. I sold all my possessions and good things for an autumn sweater of depression, holey, familiar. Once it’s on it didn’t come off. YES!! My sweater and I watched film reels reliving my life so that I was the central figure, what a different take on reality. After we cozied up, I found a matching ratty old hat to enhance our mood. It was booze. I started wearing this baseball hat night and days off. It stunk, was discolored, and got uglier each day. This hat changed my head. I liked reeling under its bill. My personality perked up wearing that autumn sweater and ratty hat. I became the funniest person in the room, I could mock to myself for hours.

               I caught on fire one morning, like that sweater was made of kerosene. Really, I was hungover, asleep behind the wheel of a cigarette. The cherry of my smoke burned my cross-stitched cuff. Numb and hung over the flames didn’t wake me, the heat didn’t take me. “Jesus!” the Spirit did wake me. I smelled my flesh fry; my sin peeled away. I escaped through the flames only to find the prize of my life’s work in a pile of ashes. He took my sweater in that fire. As I wept around the ashes, thumbing through them I noticed I was not in pain. I was weeping but not in pain, just sorrow at the empty-brokenness of me.

              Without getting up, on my knees I prayed -like an old jug hoping to be filled, I prayed. It was the blood of Jesus I asked for, the forgiveness that runs through His veins. The cleansing flow took my sweater, my sin and birthed me in His Holy Spirit; Presented me outside of time in the heavenlies where I met my perfect heavenly Father running out to embrace me. Many angels hollering “Praise the Lamb another one’s saved.” 

               I was hungover the day Jesus revealed Himself to me. He met me in my autumn sweater and I haven’t been depressed since. I was holding my ratty hat in my hands and He asked me for it. This was the start of repentance, Christ in me. But I wasn’t letting go of the hat, it was my feel of 2 years now.