 The liquor store clerks couldn’t tell I had the Light of the World in me, I didn’t take a day off from drinking after my day of salvation. All they could see is me in that ratty old hat, doing same old- same old in front of their Carlo Rossi selection of jug wines. It came as a shock that a clear but gentle voice up from within me said, “That’s old Nic you don’t need that anymore.” I snapped to attention making sure nobody else heard, paused, took a long stare at the wine grabbed it and headed for the clerk. The next day I heard a similar prompt, “you are a new creation the old is gone, that includes drinking.” Every time after that, I had this wise gentleman with me when I entered the liquor store, kindly reminding me that Jesus asked me to give up the bottle the day I believed. Sometimes as I walked up to the door of the store I would tell God, “I know what you are going to tell me once I enter.” Inwardly reborn, outwardly stubborn.
I installed
a teetertotter in my apartment to play old self/new self drinking games. Every
night I’d bounce up on a liquor high dropping my new self to the ground while
taking in some flick that i never remembered in the morning. The next morning
the teetertotter new self went up high and would drop the old self to my knees,
because I knew my Savior lives and I was still held by sin, weeping at the
inescapability of my drunkenness, looking to Jesus at the cross praying for
more blood, more mercy. Day after day for more than a year. This was a
dangerous and difficult reality, but God graciously reminded me that I can’t
stay where I was when He found me.
Soon after
placing my faith in Jesus, the Yellow Pages gave me my first church, pastor
gave me my first memory verse. I started talking to him about my drinking. It
was a verse that was a dagger to the Lone Ranger drinker that I was. “No
temptation has seized you except that which is common to man, and God is
faithful He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but when you
are tempted He will offer a way out so you can stand up under it.” So now in
those mornings when my warring old self dropped off the teetertotter and I was
weeping for mercy -certain of forgiveness. I added a prayer of God actuating
this promised jailbreak.
The first
“way out” God gave me was a week-long mission trip, no booze, not alone, new
place, it was God’s grace. I prayed and praised with confidence that drinking
was over, only to find my mind felt differently once I was back in town. What a
clown, down on my knees again, pretty sure that God gave me a way out and I
messed it up. Did I ruin my chance that God gave? Yes. But I still had that
kind gentleman whispering at me from within, when I was at the liquor store. I
still remember the certainty of forgiveness the Bible promises. So, I still pleaded
the blood of Jesus every morning amid my hungover state. This is a dangerous
spot be in, I knew it needed to go.
“Way out”
#2 was God leading me to Moody Bible Institute. I signed a contract saying I
could not drink. After much prayer about what that contract meant for this
despairing sin and addiction, I said “well where God guides, He provides.” The
Holy Spirit, my pastor, and my brother helped me know that God has to be the
one to do the work. “Depend on Christ in me to not drink.” Christ in me is the
hope of glory over all my sins. As I stepped out in faith, power was given, and
lies were exposed about my “need” to drink. Everything was new as I moved
to Chicago and started a long-distance engagement to Lindsey whom I met at
Bible study. I didn’t drink the entire fall semester, excitement grew as the
wedding date was set for the summer. I fell into drinking around spring
break. The darkness of returning tempted me to keep all this to myself and
carry on at school like a two-faced man. The comfort of drinking again
was so flimsy, phony. But breaking a promise, tearing down of my word, and
wanting to hide it all loomed large. Like The thief/killer/destroyer knocking
at my door saying “let’s ride again.”
God’s
grace to me was in the form of a Washington Apple, my honest, virtuous and
Christ loving fiancée. This bride-to-be, was so tender over the phone faithful
day after day. How could I keep anything away from her? So, I didn’t. We were
committed to living truthfully before the Lord. A forged Christlikeness in me brought
my confession of relapse to her over the phone in tears. Lindsey was very
informed of my past problem with it. Her response was absent of that wooing
tenderness, more like that of a judge and jury. There was no consolation, or
watering down of our trust. Lindsey replied, “I love you Nic, and I want to
marry you in the coming months. But my childhood was compromised because of
alcohol and I want to make sure my adulthood isn’t. So, if you want to marry
me, or can’t drink.” I was so put off in the moment, like she had no empathy
for the monumental hardship I was dealing with.
I remember
long talks with God, having a drink here and there leading up the end of my
first year at Moody. I prayed, laying the anguish of my heart before the Lord.
Certain that He doesn’t call me to a life of drunkenness, also certain that He brought
Lindsey to me for marriage, but this poison remained, its desire more and more
muted to my will power. Its temptation over me looking like a cheap thrill
rather than the golden calf of comfort and consolation it once was. Returning
home for the wedding allowed me to just drop the issue and it’s was a grace
that alcohol wasn’t around that week before my new vows.
It is to
the glory of God, through the wise love of my wife, and the freedom only found
in Jesus, that I can say: Jesus gave me a third “way out”. I call it my wedding
gift from God. We will celebrate ten years of marriage this July. And ten years
away from alcohol. Let it be known that this was a two-year repentance
project from the day of my salvation. God doesn’t give up.
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Sunday, April 12, 2020
A Way Out (a creative retelling of repentance)
